I am so angry at my grandfather, Rico and every other sicko in this world! They've destroyed me! I have suffered so much!
I have been in lots of pain these last few months again; so much that I had to quit my new job and get on depression pills. I had to start counseling again… embarrassing.
While everyone else my age is starting the best year of school as seniors and living their dreams, I get to talk to psychiatrists. Fun. I hate life.
My friend, John, just left on his mission. He got called to the Mexico City South Mission. Jacob is leaving in about December. I’m going to miss him. He is a sweetheart. He is scared to go but I think it’s best… also in the way that I wont be tempted to be immoral.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I have been kissing him way too much and… the other day, I touched his penis. I immediately apologized but I feel so dirty now. I believe that I am turning my feelings and my anger in the wrong direction. I feel evil; like I disappointed God.
I am so sorry for what I did and I will never do anything immoral again.
I had to go to my grandfather’s first hearing and I testified there. Plus, I had to do the whole talk to the detectives and then to the social workers thing again because of Rico. I think these are some of the reasons for me acting this way. This is not me!
Well, I’ve learned my lesson and it’s not worth caring the guilt with me through the eternities.
Melonie
(Age 17)
September 29, 2000
Kristi,
Hey. Guess what! I finally got Kyle’s new address. (I mean after he left the MTC) It took me long enough. I was so scared to call and I had to 3 times before I finally got his dad. He gave it to me and I sent Kyle a birthday card today.
I’m learning to play the guitar. Jacob let me barrow his. I talked to the bishop about what happened between us and I feel much better. It was hard.
*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.
