October 29, 2000

Isn’t it amazing how long a rumor can keep moving?  I give up!  Noel, Erick and Mitch need to grow up and get a life!  It has been so hard having all my friends not just leave me but stab me in the back on their way out a couple hundred times.

My institute teacher said it was a sin to French kiss before you are married.  I feel so awful; I keep screwing up.  I haven’t done anything really, really bad (like fornication) but I feel really bad; like I don’t deserve to live anymore.  Heavenly Father is so disappointed in me.

            I’m still dating Jacob.  I don’t love him anymore, not like that anyway.  He still loves me a lot.  I kiss him like twice a week and sometimes I feel like I’m just using him.  I guess I am.  He’s the only one who loves me.  I do care about him and I’m trying to get him on his mission. 

            I don’t know what to do, Kristi.  He needs me to encourage him because he’s scared but I don’t know if I can trust myself.  I let Rico touch me, my grandfather, Jacob; I also let a couple other guys take advantage of me and I even touched Jacob back one time because I didn’t care anymore.  It felt good to feel loved then but I hate myself now.

Both Jacob and I are sorry and have repented; once you start the temptation to do it again is so much stronger.  When we date we go in groups and we always have but in those moments when you are alone Satan really works hard.

My counselor has asked me to try writing in my journal everyday.  I don’t think that’s going to happen but I hope I will write more often.  I think I have accomplished a lot with her.  I am working on “letting my light out again”.

Melonie

(Age 17) 

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 6, 2000

Kristi,

I know that even at those times when I feel that there is nothing I can do about the way my life is going, there are still some things that only I can control.  I am in control of my feelings, my attitude, my beliefs and my behavior, my time, my choices, the things I will value, my desires, my thoughts, my talents, the goals I set for myself… and the love that I give and the kind of love I will receive.  I can control all of these things no matter what happens or who is around me.  If I take that control and set boundaries for others; I will be happy! 

Mel

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 1, 2000

I don’t know why but I just haven’t been up to writing lately.  I just haven’t wanted to.  Lots has happened since you’ve last heard; it’s amazing what can happen in a couple months!

I got a job at Lagoon (April 17) working the kid rides.  I learned how to work a couple of them and then decided that the 3 hour bus ride was way too long and quit.  Then I fond a real job at National Car Rental making $7.55 plus bonuses!  I’ve been there a month now and I’m on my last week of training.

On May 13^th was Sadie Hawkins.  I went with Jacob.  Zach went with my friend Dawn; his first official date!  It was lots of fun.  We went hiking up to Doughnut Falls and had a picnic.  Jacob was such a gentleman.  I had lots of fun with him; he’s a great guy. He’s the only one who listens to me and cares about how I feel.  He seems to understand these crazy feelings and we get into long talks once in awhile.  They really help.  I feel comfortable with him.

Jacob asked me to marry him.  I said a soft “yes” through my pain and tears but I didn’t mean to promise him anything because I am only 17.  I was seriously considering it and was praying about it for a couple of months and I don’t think it’s the right decision.  He and I have a lot to work through.  Plus, I don’t know if I told you or not but he has a heart condition and apparently his Patriarchal blessing says that he will die on his mission.  I’m really scared that this might happen soon.  Not as scared as he is, though; I feel awful for him!

I want to marry someone who is strong in the church.  Jacob used to be a bad kid.  He used to drink, do drugs and steal cars.  I know that he is really sorry and doesn’t do those things anymore… 

A friend just got married on the 25^th of May… before her graduation!  Weird huh?  I’ve been really thinking about marriage lately.  I am almost 18 already.  It could happen really soon… but then again, I could have another 7 years to go!  I wonder who I’m going to marry and when I’m going to meet him; if I haven’t already.  I want to marry someone special, who is spiritually strong with a lot of good qualities.  I’m trying to prepare myself now so that I’m worthy of the best guy possible.

I’m worried I won’t be ready.  It’s getting harder and harder to keep going.  I feel really stressed and like I can’t even handle simple things anymore.  My whole body aches and I’ve been crying a lot again.  I wish I knew what is wrong and how to fix it.  I’m also scared that I won’t be ready for the pageant in a month.

I’m worried about my family and I’m really worried about me.  I’m having a hard time feeling the Holy Ghost and I haven’t been making great choices.  I’ve been unkind to my family and I haven’t been saying my prayers as often because it seems like no one is there anymore.  I haven’t been reading my scriptures either and Jacob and I have kissed too much a couple of times.  We haven’t done anything bad but I’m afraid of something happening.  I feel very lonely sometimes… I think that’s why I like to be close to him.

Well, I’m going to go.  I will talk to you later.

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 3 & 5, 1999

Dear Kristi, I can’t understand how my mother can act like that.

She has had a hard time all these years going through her healing process.  I’ve done a lot to take care of her and the family while she was sick.  I’ve cleaned the house, made dinner, got the kids ready for school, made dad’s lunches; I was there for my mother WHENEVER she needed me.  She whined and cried a whole bunch and now that I am going through the same thing I’m not allowed to be sad once in a while?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL!  She just went through the same things so why is she pushing me away now?  She says she wants “nothing to do with me” when I’m feeling depressed, sad.  Why can’t I have a friend?  Why is it so wrong for anyone to love me?

Lately, I haven’t been able to do anything right for anyone.  I wish these feelings would go away.  I want to die.  No one would care if I did.

August 5, 1999

I am reading this book called Brittany by Jack Weyland.  I’ve read it before but this time…

It’s about a girl who gets raped.  The feelings and circumstances that the author wrote about reminded me so much of my life.  She, the main character, reminded me of me!  In the beginning, she was such a good girl and a special girl, with so many ambitions.  Heavenly Father was her best friend.

I was like that.  Now something dark inside me is holding me back.  A lot of what I’d accomplished is gone now.  I feel so evil sometimes; why does God even listen to me anymore?  I’ve betrayed Him so many times.

Ever since I started reading this book, I’ve had a hard time concentrating on things.  As I read it, I get these sharp pains through my body.  I think there is something inside me that still needs to come out.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 30, 1999

I don’t know what to do!  I heard my mother tell my grandma, “Everyone else is doing quite well now.  We just need to get Melonie through her issues and we’ll be just fine.”  I guess I do still have some “issues” to work on but am I really that bad?  I get so lonely and feel so worthless and unloved sometimes!  It hurts!  I constantly wish for someone to hold me and for someone to be my friend.  I need a friend I can talk to about anything; one who will always be there for me.  “That kind of friend that is only found in a good marriage”, mom once told me.  Well, I can’t wait to be married then!  That sounds so wonderful.
I am doing better (I thought so anyway!)  I couldn’t have done it without my parents and some of my friends from camp.  At the rate I’m going, I think I really can become Miss Teen All American!  Do you want to hear something weird?  Amazing?  Ever since I’ve found this add (in March 1998) I have been enthusiastic to be in it.  One month later, I was accepted into a modeling school and graduated in October.  In May, I tried out for Spirit Club and made it!  (I usually don’t “make” things)  This gave me more confidence. 

June, also last year, I was able to go to Oakcrest as a camper and get so much closer to the Lord.  (15 year olds aren’t usually welcome)  July, I entered into the Miss Hawaiian Tropic and got 2^nd alternate and, in August, I went to court and put my grandfather in jail.  I even went on the news!  That also gave me a lot of strength and courage.  I can stand up for me and my beliefs now.  The great people you hear about probably got to being the people they are via hard experiences like mine I’ll bet.

Last January I was finished with counseling; I learned more about myself.  I also started dating.  Then, I got my job at Oakcrest.  I learned at Oakcrest that I need to learn to be my own best friend and to not try and please everyone else all the time.  I also got closer to the Lord up there.

I’ve been working so hard on healing; I’ve been reading lots… I am planning to be in the pageant in August 2001.  That’s exactly 3 years and 7 months since this all began.  (My mom says that 3 years and 7 months seems to be the amount of time needed to accomplish a big goal.)  I am so excited.  I believe that if I keep going I can be crowned Miss Teen USA!  Heavenly Father has already helped me so much.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 11, 1999

Hey.  I’m back.  You know, I think I’m going to be doing a lot of writing to you these next few months.  I’m in lots of pain.  So bad it’s hard to breath.  My mom says it’s stress building up because of all I’ve been through.  I’m glad.  That means it will be gone soon and I can be normal again.  Everything will be gone; the eating and sleeping problems, the deep sorrow, the headaches, the pain… everything!
I’m feeling really sad and lonely right now.  I miss Oakcrest.  Not one of my friends called me this weekend like they said they would.  Maybe they didn’t really care about me.  Actually, I was probably quite annoying.  I probably complained a lot of pain.  Oh well.  I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the people there and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I am sure that some of the things that were said in testimony meetings and devotionals were meant just for me. 

I am going through depression right now and that’s a hard thing to go through but someday I will be rid of it.  Someday I will wake up and it will be gone.  I will be a new person with new abilities and strengths.  This can be overcome!  I have noticed that I am more aware of other people and their trials.  I’m not the only one in depression.  I’ve learned that even though some people seem like they have perfect lives, many of them are hurting inside and the best way to help you is to forget yourself and help them.  God is aware of our pain and He will take care of us.  I’m learning to trust in Him a lot more; to ask Him for help before I try and do it on my own.  Jesus has been my best friend for a long time.  He has always been there for me.  He understands me.  He knows what I need and will take care of me if I ask.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.