October 16, 2000

When is it going to end, Kristi?  I am so tired and I’m not sure I can handle the pain anymore.  What happened to my old life; to my friends, to my family, to my happiness?  I am so scared I will never be happy again.  How can anyone live like this?  I know that sometimes I’d rather die.  I’m in so much pain, SO much pain!  My whole family is.  Why does the pain have to last so long?  Why did it have to happen to us?  Why did the people I trusted turn out to be the bad guys?  Why was I so stupid to trust them in the first place?

I hate myself sometimes.  How could I let this happen and how can I fix it?  Maybe this is my punishment for not being the person Heavenly Father expects me to be.  I don’t know… but I wish it would end.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been having a difficult time in counseling.  It’s difficult.  I feel as if my spirit has become hard like a rock; it’s heavy right inside my chest.  It hurts.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 3-29, 2000

I am so angry at my grandfather, Rico and every other sicko in this world!  They've destroyed me!  I have suffered so much!

I have been in lots of pain these last few months again; so much that I had to quit my new job and get on depression pills.  I had to start counseling again… embarrassing.

While everyone else my age is starting the best year of school as seniors and living their dreams, I get to talk to psychiatrists.  Fun.  I hate life.

My friend, John, just left on his mission.  He got called to the Mexico City South Mission.  Jacob is leaving in about December.  I’m going to miss him.  He is a sweetheart.  He is scared to go but I think it’s best… also in the way that I wont be tempted to be immoral.

It’s embarrassing to admit that I have been kissing him way too much and… the other day, I touched his penis.  I immediately apologized but I feel so dirty now.  I believe that I am turning my feelings and my anger in the wrong direction.  I feel evil; like I disappointed God.

I am so sorry for what I did and I will never do anything immoral again.

I had to go to my grandfather’s first hearing and I testified there.  Plus, I had to do the whole talk to the detectives and then to the social workers thing again because of Rico.  I think these are some of the reasons for me acting this way.  This is not me!

Well, I’ve learned my lesson and it’s not worth caring the guilt with me through the eternities.

Melonie

(Age 17)

September 29, 2000

Kristi,

Hey.  Guess what!  I finally got Kyle’s new address.  (I mean after he left the MTC)  It took me long enough.  I was so scared to call and I had to 3 times before I finally got his dad.  He gave it to me and I sent Kyle a birthday card today.

I’m learning to play the guitar.  Jacob let me barrow his.  I talked to the bishop about what happened between us and I feel much better.  It was hard.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 6, 2000

Kristi,

I know that even at those times when I feel that there is nothing I can do about the way my life is going, there are still some things that only I can control.  I am in control of my feelings, my attitude, my beliefs and my behavior, my time, my choices, the things I will value, my desires, my thoughts, my talents, the goals I set for myself… and the love that I give and the kind of love I will receive.  I can control all of these things no matter what happens or who is around me.  If I take that control and set boundaries for others; I will be happy! 

Mel

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 11, 2000

Kristi,

Some of the most important things you can learn from this life are:

1.      That Jesus is our savior and that he lives and loves us.

2.      To humble ourselves before Him.  To realize that we are not perfect and we need his help in everything that we do.

3.      To ask in faith- drawing upon the powers of heaven, do our part, then leave the rest to the Lord.

4.      Everyone has and will sin so we need to understand the repentance process and the atonement and use it all the time.  Do your best then hang on to the end.

July 16, 2000

There are a few things that are really important to me…  That I return to my Father in Heaven with honor, that I marry the right guy at the right time and in the right place, and my family and friends.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 1, 2000

I don’t know why but I just haven’t been up to writing lately.  I just haven’t wanted to.  Lots has happened since you’ve last heard; it’s amazing what can happen in a couple months!

I got a job at Lagoon (April 17) working the kid rides.  I learned how to work a couple of them and then decided that the 3 hour bus ride was way too long and quit.  Then I fond a real job at National Car Rental making $7.55 plus bonuses!  I’ve been there a month now and I’m on my last week of training.

On May 13^th was Sadie Hawkins.  I went with Jacob.  Zach went with my friend Dawn; his first official date!  It was lots of fun.  We went hiking up to Doughnut Falls and had a picnic.  Jacob was such a gentleman.  I had lots of fun with him; he’s a great guy. He’s the only one who listens to me and cares about how I feel.  He seems to understand these crazy feelings and we get into long talks once in awhile.  They really help.  I feel comfortable with him.

Jacob asked me to marry him.  I said a soft “yes” through my pain and tears but I didn’t mean to promise him anything because I am only 17.  I was seriously considering it and was praying about it for a couple of months and I don’t think it’s the right decision.  He and I have a lot to work through.  Plus, I don’t know if I told you or not but he has a heart condition and apparently his Patriarchal blessing says that he will die on his mission.  I’m really scared that this might happen soon.  Not as scared as he is, though; I feel awful for him!

I want to marry someone who is strong in the church.  Jacob used to be a bad kid.  He used to drink, do drugs and steal cars.  I know that he is really sorry and doesn’t do those things anymore… 

A friend just got married on the 25^th of May… before her graduation!  Weird huh?  I’ve been really thinking about marriage lately.  I am almost 18 already.  It could happen really soon… but then again, I could have another 7 years to go!  I wonder who I’m going to marry and when I’m going to meet him; if I haven’t already.  I want to marry someone special, who is spiritually strong with a lot of good qualities.  I’m trying to prepare myself now so that I’m worthy of the best guy possible.

I’m worried I won’t be ready.  It’s getting harder and harder to keep going.  I feel really stressed and like I can’t even handle simple things anymore.  My whole body aches and I’ve been crying a lot again.  I wish I knew what is wrong and how to fix it.  I’m also scared that I won’t be ready for the pageant in a month.

I’m worried about my family and I’m really worried about me.  I’m having a hard time feeling the Holy Ghost and I haven’t been making great choices.  I’ve been unkind to my family and I haven’t been saying my prayers as often because it seems like no one is there anymore.  I haven’t been reading my scriptures either and Jacob and I have kissed too much a couple of times.  We haven’t done anything bad but I’m afraid of something happening.  I feel very lonely sometimes… I think that’s why I like to be close to him.

Well, I’m going to go.  I will talk to you later.

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 22, 2000

Aghh; so much to accomplish yet so little time to accomplish them in.  Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that nothing gets done?  I do!

I’m excited for these next few years; I’m going to get better and get on with my life!  I wish girls could go on their missions earlier.  I would love to just get away right now to a new place where no one knows me and just loose myself in service with only the Lord beside me.  Don’t you think that could turn your life around?  That is kind of how I felt at Oakcrest; I wish I took better advantage of it.

My mother is such a great example to me.  These past few months (maybe years) I have seen so many changes in her.  She has such strong faith that she’s come to the point of being able to think something and it will happen!  My goal is to become like her.  One day, I hope I will receive my call for the second endowment.

Kix

(Age 17)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 20, 2000

Now is definitely my time for trial.  “…And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”  (D&C 121:7)   I love that scripture.  It helps me to remember that there is a reason for all of this; that I am not going through hell for no reason.  Job and Joseph of Egypt are some of my favorite bible heroes.  I love their stories!  I hope I triumph as well as they did.

My Dreams

Senior class President                                                        Be like Sheri Dew

Own a girls camp                                                               Cheerleader

Oakcrest counselor                                                            Meet JTT  (ha, ha)

Marry Kyle                                                                        Prom Queen

Married in the temple                                                        Be an artist/painter/sculptor

6 kids                                                                                 Go on a mission

Fix my hips                                                                        Master the piano

Find a great career                                                             Play the guitar

Ride an airplane and train                                                 Be very healthy

Go on a cruise                                                                   Be in a school play

Visit Hawaii, Spain, New Zealand, Italy…                      Seamstress

Inner peace                                                                        Speak Spanish

Win the Miss Teen USA Pagent                                      Learn sign language

Be Miss Utah, Miss USA                                                  Sky dive

Be on the front cover of a magazine                               Hot air balloon ride

Nice home with lots of land                                            Get those darn splits down

Have all the money I need                                               Seminary student council

Be in a Movie                                                                  Photographer

Be a great young women leader                                      Memorize every scripture mastery

Go to a great college                                                        Receive 2^nd endowment/R.W.H.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 18, 1999

My mom hates me when I say things she disagrees with or just doesn’t understand.  Does that make sense?  She always tells me she wants me to tell her how I feel but then she doesn’t even let me.  I guess I can’t tell her anything!  That’s my mom; never really listening.

Sorry about that last entry.  It sounded like I was high on something, didn’t it?  You’re probably wondering when I decided to marry Kyle.  To you it probably seems pretty sudden when, in actuality, I’ve been all but obsessing over him since the beginning of last year.  “Why haven’t I heard of him?” you ask…  Well, you see, this might sound ridiculous but I think I was afraid to mention that I liked him.  It wouldn’t work out then. 

I hope he is the one I will marry because he’s pretty neat but, if not, I will definitely marry someone like him!  I will tell you more about him later.  I’m not feeling so hot now.  My mom makes me feel so awful.  I’ll have lots to tell you next time.

Sincerely, Melonie

(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 7 & 10, 1999

Have you ever needed to talk to someone but no one would listen?  Maybe they listen, but they don’t really listen?  Maybe they don’t understand the deeper meaning or what you are really feeling; the things you can’t really say?

Some things have been bothering me still; about my past.  I’m I a bad person? Does God still love me?  Is he proud of me still?  I know I could’ve prevented most everything from happening.  Why didn’t I?  I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

December 10, 1999

I’ve got this great plan to marry Kyle in a few years!  We’d be perfect together!

See… he’s going on a mission and I will write him when he is gone.  Soon, he will start replying to my letters and the other girls will stop writing…  He will get curious and invite me to his homecoming… and things will go upward from there!  Perfect!

Kyle is so awesome!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 20-22, 1999

I have learned so much in the past few weeks, Kristi; mostly as a result of my sessions with the hypnotherapist.  He knows so much about God’s plan and about our bodies and spirits.  Did you know that even some of the simplest things we say can program our subconscious minds to negatively influence our lives?

God has given us such a great gift: our bodies.  With them comes great power.  Our goal on this Earth is to learn to use that power wisely by uniting our body, mind and spirit through God’s help.  Once I obtain inner peace (or oneness) and obey God, I can have anything I desire that is righteous.  I am so excited.  Now that I understand a little more clearly I can really start my life!

Love, Melonie

(Age 16)

November 22, 1999

My parents are in Wyoming.  My dad is working out of state again.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I feel angry, hurt, and scared.  Yesterday I practically beat up my sister when she was mean to us again.  I never do that!  I feel like scum.  My sister hits us, kicks us, swears at us… all the time.  That’s how she is.  I don’t know why I snapped.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 28- October 15, 1999

Kristi,

I’ve decided to start home school now.  I started yesterday and, already, I have so much less stress and hopefully tomorrow I will have even less!  It feels great! 

I am going to see the hypnotherapist.  I am kind of scared but really excited.  It is going to cost $110 and I have to pay for it so I hope it works!

Saturday is homecoming.  No one asked me so I asked Jon (a fellow homeschooler J)  He is in my ward; I think I will have fun with him.  Since I asked him, I have to expect to pay and come up with a plan!

October 15, 1999

I love doing service.  It makes me feel so good inside.  I love seeing peoples’ faces light up with joy when I help them out.  Lately we, as a ward, have been working on someone’s house and yard.  I’ve never thought much about this woman but I’ve come to love her through our visits to her home.  I’ve had a great time.

Love, Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 19, 1999

Wow, I’ve got a lot to tell you…
Aug. 26^th-28^th the Young Men/Young Women went rafting on the Green River.  It was lots of fun (even though we had to avoid the rapids).  The water was freezing!  My hips started hurting really bad and one of the boys had to carry me back to camp.  It was so embarrassing! 

The 30^th was the first day of school.  I’ve had gobs of homework since then!  It’s putting way too much stress on me and I can’t handle that right now so I decided to go on home study.  This week will probably be my last.

My cousin came up and we went to the football game and saw Kyle (what a hunk! J)  (I’m going to marry him… or at least someone like him!)  Then we went camping on our property in Duchesne.  There, we painted the shed, went swimming and late-night craw-dad fishing in the lake, played in the river and took mud baths!  I had lots of fun.  My cousin and I got closer as friends. 

On Monday was our family reunion.  Dad, Zach, my uncle and cousin all went to the Demolition Derby and the last night the boys found a scorpion in their tent! 

Then, last night was the seminary Opening Social.  It was fun.  We cleaned up our school as a service project then had a concert by Greg Simpson!  Jake kissed me again; this time with his tongue.  It made me feel so awful.  Why did I let him do it?  I kind of liked him but I didn’t want to kiss him.  I felt trapped, like he wouldn’t let me go back inside until he kissed me.  Why did I go outside with him in the first place?  A part of me knew what he wanted…  I cried the rest of the night.

Noel is such a great friend.  She made me feel lots better.  I wish I were as good as her.  I hope we’re always friends.

On the 29^th of this month I am going to go see a hypnotherapist.  He is supposed to help a lot.  I can’t wait to go.  What if he can make my pain go away?  Then I can be normal again.
Melonie
(Age 16)    

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 3 & 5, 1999

Dear Kristi, I can’t understand how my mother can act like that.

She has had a hard time all these years going through her healing process.  I’ve done a lot to take care of her and the family while she was sick.  I’ve cleaned the house, made dinner, got the kids ready for school, made dad’s lunches; I was there for my mother WHENEVER she needed me.  She whined and cried a whole bunch and now that I am going through the same thing I’m not allowed to be sad once in a while?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL!  She just went through the same things so why is she pushing me away now?  She says she wants “nothing to do with me” when I’m feeling depressed, sad.  Why can’t I have a friend?  Why is it so wrong for anyone to love me?

Lately, I haven’t been able to do anything right for anyone.  I wish these feelings would go away.  I want to die.  No one would care if I did.

August 5, 1999

I am reading this book called Brittany by Jack Weyland.  I’ve read it before but this time…

It’s about a girl who gets raped.  The feelings and circumstances that the author wrote about reminded me so much of my life.  She, the main character, reminded me of me!  In the beginning, she was such a good girl and a special girl, with so many ambitions.  Heavenly Father was her best friend.

I was like that.  Now something dark inside me is holding me back.  A lot of what I’d accomplished is gone now.  I feel so evil sometimes; why does God even listen to me anymore?  I’ve betrayed Him so many times.

Ever since I started reading this book, I’ve had a hard time concentrating on things.  As I read it, I get these sharp pains through my body.  I think there is something inside me that still needs to come out.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 30, 1999

I don’t know what to do!  I heard my mother tell my grandma, “Everyone else is doing quite well now.  We just need to get Melonie through her issues and we’ll be just fine.”  I guess I do still have some “issues” to work on but am I really that bad?  I get so lonely and feel so worthless and unloved sometimes!  It hurts!  I constantly wish for someone to hold me and for someone to be my friend.  I need a friend I can talk to about anything; one who will always be there for me.  “That kind of friend that is only found in a good marriage”, mom once told me.  Well, I can’t wait to be married then!  That sounds so wonderful.
I am doing better (I thought so anyway!)  I couldn’t have done it without my parents and some of my friends from camp.  At the rate I’m going, I think I really can become Miss Teen All American!  Do you want to hear something weird?  Amazing?  Ever since I’ve found this add (in March 1998) I have been enthusiastic to be in it.  One month later, I was accepted into a modeling school and graduated in October.  In May, I tried out for Spirit Club and made it!  (I usually don’t “make” things)  This gave me more confidence. 

June, also last year, I was able to go to Oakcrest as a camper and get so much closer to the Lord.  (15 year olds aren’t usually welcome)  July, I entered into the Miss Hawaiian Tropic and got 2^nd alternate and, in August, I went to court and put my grandfather in jail.  I even went on the news!  That also gave me a lot of strength and courage.  I can stand up for me and my beliefs now.  The great people you hear about probably got to being the people they are via hard experiences like mine I’ll bet.

Last January I was finished with counseling; I learned more about myself.  I also started dating.  Then, I got my job at Oakcrest.  I learned at Oakcrest that I need to learn to be my own best friend and to not try and please everyone else all the time.  I also got closer to the Lord up there.

I’ve been working so hard on healing; I’ve been reading lots… I am planning to be in the pageant in August 2001.  That’s exactly 3 years and 7 months since this all began.  (My mom says that 3 years and 7 months seems to be the amount of time needed to accomplish a big goal.)  I am so excited.  I believe that if I keep going I can be crowned Miss Teen USA!  Heavenly Father has already helped me so much.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

June 7 and July 8, 1999

Hi Kristi!  Today is the first day of camp with the girls here.  It was quite a chore to wash the dishes for 400 people!  They stacked up so fast!  It has been hard for me to keep up with everyone else.  I feel bad; like I’m worthless to the staff.  However, I know this is where I need to be.  I feel closer to the Lord here.  It has only been a week but I already feel like I’ve received messages that were meant just for me.  These experiences are so important to me; they’ve made me feel so much better.  You know, I’ve been thinking… I prayed for some spiritual experiences to build my testimony and to help me accomplish my goals.  Maybe Oakcrest is an answer to my prayers!  It has only been 6 days here… I wonder what the rest of

the summer has in store for me!

July 8, 1999

I’ve been at Oakcrest for a month now.  I’ve felt the spirit close again; I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve made friends, I’ve learned… and now I’m home.  I guess I’ve done what I need to do there (for now).  I miss it so incredibly much!  Sure, I’ve had some really hard times there but it made me happy.  It has been 2 years since that 1^st kiss with Rico that started everything…  So many things have happened since then.  It has been so hard for me.  At Oakcrest, my physical pain just got worse and worse and, emotionally, I just got to the point where I was crying all the time so I prayed about it and decided to come home.  Now I wish I were back.  I had some great friends there.  I will never forget them.  One gave me a special frog that reminds me that some days I might feel like a frog but, someday, I will turn into a beautiful princess.  That someday is beginning today! I am getting better!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 17, 1999

Kristi,
Being abused has put me through a lot.  It’s kind of like a major emotional rollercoaster ride but, unfortunately, the “rollercoaster” doesn’t have anymore major emotional highs.  Instead it goes lower then it ever had before.  I guess it had to happen.  I felt so happy before…  My only problems were my annoying little sister and the stress of getting good grades in school.  No one’s life can be perfect, I guess.  Now I am so sad and sometimes there seems to be no reason for this deep sorrow. 

I feel very alone.  I know that I’m not but it seems like I’m the only one going through such pain.  No one can really help me.  I have to get better on my own.  My mother, who was my best friend, has pulled away from me.  She says it’s because it hurts her to remember what she has been through.  She has left me when I needed her most.  I FEEL SO ALONE!  You’re still with me, aren’t you Heavenly Father?  Don’t give up on me yet.  I love you!
Love, Melonie
(age16)


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 30 & May 6, 1999

Hey!  What’s up?  I’m doing okay.  My family and I are at Yellowstone National Park.  It’s great here.  There are so many beautiful things to see.  It’s sad, though, that I can’t stand to be around my family anymore!  I know that I am probably hard to live with too.  I’ve been kinda angry.  Poor Dad.  He’s trying so hard to bring this family together and no one wants to corporate.  He’s so great.  I Love him so much.  He is the greatest Dad anyone can have, I’m sure.

May 6, 1999
My life is so pathetic.  It seems like a total waste of time.  Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?  I feel like I’ve lost myself.  This year has been a complete loss.  What have I accomplished?  I have been set back more then I’ve moved forward!

My biggest dream is to one day get married to a wonderful guy and have a family.  Next to that dream there are two others.  Being Miss America (don’t ask) and owning an LDS girls camp like Oakcrest.  (I got a job there this summer.  I am so excited!  I’ll be a cook!)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 12, 1999

I am so stupid!  Erik is a JERK!  …and so is every other guy!  I learned my lesson; why didn’t I listen to my parents and leaders?  That would’ve saved me from a lot of pain.  I will NOT have another steady relationship until it is time for me to marry!  I feel awful about who I am and what I was doing.  Even though nothing happened, I knew inside that having a boyfriend wasn’t right for me.

 I believe what I did with Erik (and I’m prone to do with every other crush) is that I put the characteristics of the man I want to marry into him, then, I met the real Erik… and that hurt!  I’ve never cried so long in my life.  (Which is stupid because I really didn’t love Erik, I love the guy I’ve been dreaming up for all these years…)

 I haven’t really lost the one I love.  I’ll have to just keep him in my heart until we meet in real life.  I just really want someone to love me.  The “rule” about not having a boyfriend in high school isn’t just to protect us from sexual/physical abuse or sin; it can also protect you from a broken heart!

Love, Melonie

(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 5, 1999

Kristi,
Hey, how are you? I’m okay. I just got over (well, okay, I’m not over it yet…) one of my soap opera love tragedies. I know this journal is all about guy trouble (sexual abuse and puppy love) Sorry, here it goes:

Erik and I went on a few more dates. On the 2nd date, we kissed. It was his first kiss. Mine too… in a way. (Everyone else who has kissed me didn’t really care about me.) The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. I couldn’t find anything wrong with him! We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 2 weeks when he freaked out.

We weren’t doing anything wrong; I was dating other guys… I think he either got jealous or someone has been telling him stories. Well, now that he is not talking to me and avoiding me in the halls… I realize more than ever how much I care about him.

Do you want to know something weird? Everything about him is just like how I imagined my future husband to be. Every night, I’ve been going through my list to find any stupid reason for me not to like him anymore but the very next day that reason no longer exists! (For example: I picked “S.B.O. or leader”… he wasn’t in any leadership positions but the next day he said he was going to “run for S.B.O. president or something”!) Crazy, huh? You can’t meet the guy you’re going to marry at age 16… right? I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to marry him if he won’t even talk to me!

I miss him so much...

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 11, 1999

Kristi,
I don’t really feel like writing; so I am. I don’t feel like talking to anyone; so I’m talking to you. I don’t feel like reading my scriptures or praying; so I will. Yesterday was my birthday but I’m not happy. My friends from church threw me a surprise party and, today, my mom and her friend took me to see “Ever After” and to eat at the Olive Garden. I got all I could’ve wanted but something is missing… a part of me is missing and I don’t feel whole. I guess I have a good life. I’ve been blessed… So what’s wrong with me? I just feel like crying all the time. I’ve felt like I have the flu for 2 months now. I have ulcers, bad headaches and all my joints are so swollen that sometimes I can’t even leave my bed in the mornings. I don’t feel like doing anything. Jesus, please help me… I love you.
Melonie
(Age 16)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.