October 9, 2000

I got a cat and a turtle last week.  The turtle I got on the 3^rd and Daisy Mae came to me the next day!  I love them both to death; they are both so cute!

This last weekend was General Conference weekend.  I had some neat experiences; would you like me to share them with you?  I went to the 1^st session at the new conference center.  Lidia was supposed to go with me but she slept in so I went alone. 

On the way, there was a mentally disabled woman who boarded the same train as me.  She was really scared and she kept saying so over and over, then she would scream.  I felt so sorry for her.  I patted her on the shoulder and told her she was doing great and that she was safe.  She started to sing “Love at Home” and it touched me.  I sang with her, on the crowded train, and she thanked me and told me that was her favorite song.

When I arrived at temple square, the line to get into the conference center was huge!  It wrapped around the gate twice and went all through the temple grounds then up to the center.  There were so many people ready to hear our prophet speak.  I heard so many different languages; the people were from everywhere. 

The building was beautiful and conference was great… but the ride home was even better!  I got to speak to someone about my father’s age and bare my testimony to him.  He was really struggling with the gospel and it was a really neat experience for me.  I would like to have it happen more often.

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 6, 2000

Kristi,

I know that even at those times when I feel that there is nothing I can do about the way my life is going, there are still some things that only I can control.  I am in control of my feelings, my attitude, my beliefs and my behavior, my time, my choices, the things I will value, my desires, my thoughts, my talents, the goals I set for myself… and the love that I give and the kind of love I will receive.  I can control all of these things no matter what happens or who is around me.  If I take that control and set boundaries for others; I will be happy! 

Mel

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 17 & February 8, 2000

Hey Kristi,

What’s up?  I’m writing Kyle his second letter already; I’ve decided I’d better tell you about him.  I first saw him at our first girls’ volleyball game (as a spirit club).  He was so cute.  When the game was over, I saw him put his arm around the pretty girl from our club and I thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend.  “Figures.  The cute girls always get the best guys.”  Anyway, this time it turned out that they were brother and sister!

It also turns out that he’s a really, really nice guy!   …and good in school, senior class president, loves seminary, great smile!  One day at work, I was talking with a friend about life and boys… I told her of my plan to marry Kyle.  A boy, Jacob, who works with us, happened to be listening in… “Who are you going to marry?  I know him!  He’s awesome!  That’s so cool!”  He kept saying that over and over.  “I know that plan is going to work.  At least you’ll get a date with him!”

And that’s how it’s been ever since.  It’s kind of funny, I think…

February 8, 2000

Kristi, I am having the hardest time deciding what to do with my life.  My hips are still bothering me quite a bit.  I have been thinking about just getting my GED.  School is too stressful for me.

PS  I saw Tyler in the store where I work today.  Later I found out he’s not leaving on his mission until March!  How embarrassing.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 2, 2000

Happy New Year!  I am so excited; this next couple of years will be full of changes.  Look out world, here comes the new me!

I feel like I can move on now.  These last few years have been horrible.  I’ve felt like I wasn’t going anywhere with my life and there was nothing I could do about it.  Something had me trapped and held me so tight I couldn’t breathe…  Once in awhile I still get that way but I think Hypnotherapy has really helped. 

I’ve had some pretty neat sessions:  First, I learned about the mind (conscious and subconscious) and the spirit.  The second session was my first experience with hypnosis.  I learned what it was and how to achieve it.  Third, I went back into hypnosis; back in time to before my birth.  This was neat.  It was like reliving the experience through feelings (I didn’t “see” it).  I felt really excited to be born but once I was, it was really hard for me. 

When I was born I guess I swallowed my stool and had the cord wrapped around my neck.  They had to pump my lungs and put me in the NICU.  They took me from my parents and I was really, really scared.  Through hypnosis, I felt a connection and great love and sadness for that baby.

In another session, my grandfather was brought up.  I remember I couldn’t talk; or I felt so deep in hypnosis that I felt I didn’t want to.  When I was brought back to the abuse I felt this huge sadness in me.  I couldn’t stop crying and the doctor wanted me to communicate it…  I saw myself a little girl, huddled in a corner of a dark room.  I felt scared and powerless. 

I was told to imagine myself with superpowers or something; to see myself bigger and stronger than he.  I saw my grandfather shrink and shrink.  He was embarrassed.  I picked him up and I put him in a cage.  At this point I couldn’t stop laughing!  The doctor asked me why; I didn’t know but it felt so good!  I felt like I was free; like I was experiencing my true nature!

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 2, 1999

Can you believe it?  One more month and it’s the year 2000!  Cool huh?

I am getting braces.  I have to pay for them myself with no insurance.  $3,650… ouch!  Double ouchJ!  I only have spacers in right now (got them yesterday) and they hurt like crazy!

I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance a while ago (I don’t think I told you yet) and no I did not have fun!  I tried really hard but he is such a flop!  He got us lost all night because he wouldn’t listen to us… that was after he showed up 2 hours late in the first place!!!  (Actually, we had to go find him and the stupid truck broke down in the process!)  We didn’t even get to eat dinner.  I was starved by the end of the night!

Then, I had to pay $15 to get into the dance just to stand in line to spend another $20 getting pictures I didn’t even want!  He was missing most the night then he actually tried to leave me to find a ride home with somebody else!

My aunt and uncle have been coming over a lot.  I’m excited because I think they have stopped doing drugs and are following our example.  Soon they’ll come back to church, I hope!

It has almost been a year but Noel is still on my mind.  I am worried about her.  She and Erick have been getting too close.  They have been sloughing classes together; Noels grades are dropping.  She also pierced her ear way at the top.  They have been ignoring me and spreading awful rumors about me (well, at least Erik has).  I don’t know what she sees in him.  Every time I see him I dislike him more.  He makes me sick!

Kix

P.S. My mom let me drive her van to work all by myself today!  Wow!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 19, 1999

My 5 Year Plan:

In 5 years I will…

      Be about 22 years old

      Be graduated from Rick’s College

      Be married (to Kyle J) and starting a family

      Have done some modeling

      Have been Miss Teen USA/ Miss Utah?

      Have improved a lot

      Have a comfortable home

      Have been a counselor at Oakcrest

      Speak Spanish

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 30, 1999

I don’t know what to do!  I heard my mother tell my grandma, “Everyone else is doing quite well now.  We just need to get Melonie through her issues and we’ll be just fine.”  I guess I do still have some “issues” to work on but am I really that bad?  I get so lonely and feel so worthless and unloved sometimes!  It hurts!  I constantly wish for someone to hold me and for someone to be my friend.  I need a friend I can talk to about anything; one who will always be there for me.  “That kind of friend that is only found in a good marriage”, mom once told me.  Well, I can’t wait to be married then!  That sounds so wonderful.
I am doing better (I thought so anyway!)  I couldn’t have done it without my parents and some of my friends from camp.  At the rate I’m going, I think I really can become Miss Teen All American!  Do you want to hear something weird?  Amazing?  Ever since I’ve found this add (in March 1998) I have been enthusiastic to be in it.  One month later, I was accepted into a modeling school and graduated in October.  In May, I tried out for Spirit Club and made it!  (I usually don’t “make” things)  This gave me more confidence. 

June, also last year, I was able to go to Oakcrest as a camper and get so much closer to the Lord.  (15 year olds aren’t usually welcome)  July, I entered into the Miss Hawaiian Tropic and got 2^nd alternate and, in August, I went to court and put my grandfather in jail.  I even went on the news!  That also gave me a lot of strength and courage.  I can stand up for me and my beliefs now.  The great people you hear about probably got to being the people they are via hard experiences like mine I’ll bet.

Last January I was finished with counseling; I learned more about myself.  I also started dating.  Then, I got my job at Oakcrest.  I learned at Oakcrest that I need to learn to be my own best friend and to not try and please everyone else all the time.  I also got closer to the Lord up there.

I’ve been working so hard on healing; I’ve been reading lots… I am planning to be in the pageant in August 2001.  That’s exactly 3 years and 7 months since this all began.  (My mom says that 3 years and 7 months seems to be the amount of time needed to accomplish a big goal.)  I am so excited.  I believe that if I keep going I can be crowned Miss Teen USA!  Heavenly Father has already helped me so much.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 17, 1999

Kristi,
Being abused has put me through a lot.  It’s kind of like a major emotional rollercoaster ride but, unfortunately, the “rollercoaster” doesn’t have anymore major emotional highs.  Instead it goes lower then it ever had before.  I guess it had to happen.  I felt so happy before…  My only problems were my annoying little sister and the stress of getting good grades in school.  No one’s life can be perfect, I guess.  Now I am so sad and sometimes there seems to be no reason for this deep sorrow. 

I feel very alone.  I know that I’m not but it seems like I’m the only one going through such pain.  No one can really help me.  I have to get better on my own.  My mother, who was my best friend, has pulled away from me.  She says it’s because it hurts her to remember what she has been through.  She has left me when I needed her most.  I FEEL SO ALONE!  You’re still with me, aren’t you Heavenly Father?  Don’t give up on me yet.  I love you!
Love, Melonie
(age16)


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 30 & May 6, 1999

Hey!  What’s up?  I’m doing okay.  My family and I are at Yellowstone National Park.  It’s great here.  There are so many beautiful things to see.  It’s sad, though, that I can’t stand to be around my family anymore!  I know that I am probably hard to live with too.  I’ve been kinda angry.  Poor Dad.  He’s trying so hard to bring this family together and no one wants to corporate.  He’s so great.  I Love him so much.  He is the greatest Dad anyone can have, I’m sure.

May 6, 1999
My life is so pathetic.  It seems like a total waste of time.  Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?  I feel like I’ve lost myself.  This year has been a complete loss.  What have I accomplished?  I have been set back more then I’ve moved forward!

My biggest dream is to one day get married to a wonderful guy and have a family.  Next to that dream there are two others.  Being Miss America (don’t ask) and owning an LDS girls camp like Oakcrest.  (I got a job there this summer.  I am so excited!  I’ll be a cook!)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 12, 1999

I am so stupid!  Erik is a JERK!  …and so is every other guy!  I learned my lesson; why didn’t I listen to my parents and leaders?  That would’ve saved me from a lot of pain.  I will NOT have another steady relationship until it is time for me to marry!  I feel awful about who I am and what I was doing.  Even though nothing happened, I knew inside that having a boyfriend wasn’t right for me.

 I believe what I did with Erik (and I’m prone to do with every other crush) is that I put the characteristics of the man I want to marry into him, then, I met the real Erik… and that hurt!  I’ve never cried so long in my life.  (Which is stupid because I really didn’t love Erik, I love the guy I’ve been dreaming up for all these years…)

 I haven’t really lost the one I love.  I’ll have to just keep him in my heart until we meet in real life.  I just really want someone to love me.  The “rule” about not having a boyfriend in high school isn’t just to protect us from sexual/physical abuse or sin; it can also protect you from a broken heart!

Love, Melonie

(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

March 7, 1999

Guess what… I just had a hot date with Erik! That makes it 6 dates total that I’ve been on. Erik is the first one that I’ve really “liked”. I haven’t told you about him yet? Okay, no problem…

I met him only 2 months ago (maybe only 1…) Anyway, he was in the group I went with to the “Harry Hawkins” dance. I didn’t like him then. Yeah, he was cute but I didn’t get this major crush on him until… (I know what you’re thinking, “Not again!” Believe me; I’m sick of it myself. I don’t need this!) I think I started “liking” him at the basketball games.

He’s in the band and I’m on the Spirit Club. He sat by himself; looking so bored at the half-times I started talking to him. He was so sweet and I love the sparkle in his eyes! Anyway, Mark (poor guy) knows me so well that he could tell I like Erik. He told him so and found out that Erik likes me too! Erik got my number from Mark and called me! Aaahhhhh! Wait, wait… it gets better. He asked me out on a date after we talked on the phone for 45 minutes! I LOVE BEING SIXTEEN!

Our date went like this: He picked me up at my house and met my family, we went to go get his sister, had dinner at Applebee’s then went across the street to see the movie “A Blast From the Past”. He held my hand and put his arm around me twice!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 26, 1999

Is it wrong to have a boyfriend? I know lots of Mormons my age have boyfriends… but are they okay? I know that it is probably safer to date more than one, but what if you’ve already been in bad situations with guys and you’ve handled them quite well?

What if you know the guy would never go that far with you? I should probably have fun dating many guys but if I don’t feel comfortable with most of them, shouldn’t I stick with one I do? I want someone I can talk to and trust, someone who will always be my friend. But, that’s another problem with boyfriends; sooner or later you’ll break up. What if he breaks up with me when I need him the very most? Right now I just want someone to talk to who cares about me and will hold me all the time.

What if I have a boy friend but not really a real boyfriend… do you know what I mean? I would hold his hand, give him hugs and a kiss once in a while (French kissing would be the absolute worst I would do) but you still, both of you agreeably, go out with other people? Would it still be wrong? Would any guy ever even agree to that? Why can’t I find the man I’m going to marry now? I love him already and I don’t even know his name!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 14, 1998

Didn’t I tell you about Sadie’s? I’m sorry; I feel like I’ve probably missed a lot of things throughout my life. I try to get it all but I really don’t like to write. Sorry!

Anyway, Sadie’s was awesome. It was my first real date! I know, I’m not 16 yet… Mom says that I can go to my high school dances because “there are only so many of them”. It was fun! My group came to pick me up and my date came to the door with a stuffed reindeer. Then, we went to the HardRock Café. (I’d never been there before; it was neat.) After that, we went to the dance and got pictures. They were expensive! The whole date was, actually. It cost me $53! (Sadie’s is a girl’s choice, girls treat dance.)

We danced for awhile, then, we went to the mall. We were going to see a movie but we didn’t… so we just sat and talked and left for the dance again. When the dance was over, we went home.

I was proud of myself for being a good example. I asked the group not to swear around me and I told them I didn’t want to see the rated R movie they wanted to see. My date was great. He said that if I didn’t want to see the movie then he would stay with me. Anyway, it was great.

Oh, yeah, guess what I fond out! My good friend, Karen’s, crush (more like obsession!) “likes” me. I feel so bad! She cried every night for 4 days (maybe more) and he’s all she thinks about. I heard her say, “She get’s all the guys, why can’t I just have Josh?” Sad huh? I feel awful. Today he asked me how I feel about him. He wants to “go out”. I don’t want to go steady with anyone; especially not Josh! I don’t want to hurt Karen. I said “no”. What else can I do?
Love, Melonie
(Age 15)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 22-December 1, 1998

Hey Kristi,
How are you? I’m sick today, so I’m staying home from church. I always feel awful all week when I don’t go. I like to go to church… or I like the way I feel when I’ve gone (if that makes any sense). I like the feeling I get when I go; so I go.

I don’t want to go sometimes because it is so boring. I know, I know… I’m going to have to fix that. It is getting better though. It’s just that I don’t really learn anything new anymore; it’s all just a big review. Maybe that’s why I like Seminary; I’m always learning something new!
I’m going to go, I love you!
Melonie

December 1, 1998

Hey you! …Yeah, you! What are you doing here?! Haven’t you read enough embarrassing things about me in here? …No? Well, keep reading! I’m sure there’s plenty more to come!

Guess what! …Oh, nothing much; just that I’ll be 16 in days now! I’ll get to date and drive (the 2 big “d”s)! I have my practice permit now; cool huh? But, the best reason for turning 16 is that I’m closer to 18. I can’t wait to go to college and get married someday.

It‘s also close to Christmas day. I’d better start shopping. I don’t know how I’m going to get enough money… I need a job! I’m supposed to be getting modeling jobs now that I’ve graduated from modeling school but I’m so scared! How does one get over being shy? I’ve got to do it fast!

Okay, I’m already sick of writing. (No offense, Kristi.)
Love, Melonie


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

October 16, 1998

Hey Kristi, I’m back! I’m really sorry I haven’t written you; I’m so behind! I’ve been busy… and I got myself into trouble. I feel really bad. I hate being a teenager.

My greatest goals are to return to my Heavenly Father and to be ready when Jesus comes again. Sometimes I think I forget those goals. I love my Heavenly Father. I hope that, in spite of some of my actions, he knows that.

I am so amazed and grateful for the unconditional love He has for me. Though I make mistakes, forget Him and break my covenants to Him, He is still there when I need Him and He continues to bless me.

I am so thankful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is my life, my direction, my guide, my support and my protection. I know for a fact that without it, the only part of me that I truly treasure would be lost forever. I know this is the true gospel and that, in it, we can find the plan of God. I know this with all of my heart. I just wish that everyone else were so privileged.

Tonight I am beginning a fast. I don’t know how long it will last but I know it’s what I need to do to be forgiven and to keep Satan far from me. I am going to win this spiritual war and return to God with honor.

I am so thankful for the temples, prophets and everything else that keeps us on the right path. We just heard a talk in General Conference (and twice in Seminary) about dating and how we should not date until we are 16. This is something I have a problem with. I have probably been on at least 3 group dates and I’m not 16 yet; and I already have a date for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Even though my mom told me its okay to go, I don’t feel right about it. I can’t tell him I don’t want to go know, can I? He seems to think we are “going out” now. I don’t even really “like” him. He’s just a friend.
I love you,
Melonie
(Age 15)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 6-June 9, 1998

May 6, 1998

Kristi-
Guess what! The last 3 days I have been trying out for Spirit Club! (They are like “lesser” cheerleaders I guess…) I made it! Next year I will try for Cheerleader! I’m really excited!

Also, we have to go to court because of my grandpa. I’m scared. I have to go to counseling every Thursday. I wish I could just forget about all this. I want things to go back to the way they were.
Melonie
(Age 15)

May 28, 1998

Hey Kristi,
How are you? I’m doing okay. I have a lot to tell you… I will try to begin where I left off. On Saturday, May…

June 9, 1998

Well, I didn’t get very far last time did I? I told you I don’t like to write much… I got bored and started doodling rather than filling you in on my “exciting” life! Anyway, as I said before, I have a lot to tell you.

On May 9th I went to the Regional Dance (after I delivered a few pizzas with my dad). The dance was kind of boring; then I had to find a ride back home. I asked Mark and he was riding with some of his friends who were going to Ensign Peak afterward. He asked me to go with them; so I did.

Mark and a couple of girls I recognized were the only ones I knew out of a big van full of people. One of the girls was driving, Mark was “making-out” with some girl in the back seat the whole time, and the last girl is just plain annoying.

There was this really cute guy there, though… Since there was no one else to talk to, I decided I might as well say something to him! He was so sweet and funny… and he has the cutest smile! We talked the whole time and, before the night was over, he told me I am beautiful and that I have a cute smile! I gave him my phone number and he called me the next day; now he’s my boyfriend!
Love, Melonie
(Age 15)


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.