October 29, 2000

Isn’t it amazing how long a rumor can keep moving?  I give up!  Noel, Erick and Mitch need to grow up and get a life!  It has been so hard having all my friends not just leave me but stab me in the back on their way out a couple hundred times.

My institute teacher said it was a sin to French kiss before you are married.  I feel so awful; I keep screwing up.  I haven’t done anything really, really bad (like fornication) but I feel really bad; like I don’t deserve to live anymore.  Heavenly Father is so disappointed in me.

            I’m still dating Jacob.  I don’t love him anymore, not like that anyway.  He still loves me a lot.  I kiss him like twice a week and sometimes I feel like I’m just using him.  I guess I am.  He’s the only one who loves me.  I do care about him and I’m trying to get him on his mission. 

            I don’t know what to do, Kristi.  He needs me to encourage him because he’s scared but I don’t know if I can trust myself.  I let Rico touch me, my grandfather, Jacob; I also let a couple other guys take advantage of me and I even touched Jacob back one time because I didn’t care anymore.  It felt good to feel loved then but I hate myself now.

Both Jacob and I are sorry and have repented; once you start the temptation to do it again is so much stronger.  When we date we go in groups and we always have but in those moments when you are alone Satan really works hard.

My counselor has asked me to try writing in my journal everyday.  I don’t think that’s going to happen but I hope I will write more often.  I think I have accomplished a lot with her.  I am working on “letting my light out again”.

Melonie

(Age 17) 

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

October 16, 2000

When is it going to end, Kristi?  I am so tired and I’m not sure I can handle the pain anymore.  What happened to my old life; to my friends, to my family, to my happiness?  I am so scared I will never be happy again.  How can anyone live like this?  I know that sometimes I’d rather die.  I’m in so much pain, SO much pain!  My whole family is.  Why does the pain have to last so long?  Why did it have to happen to us?  Why did the people I trusted turn out to be the bad guys?  Why was I so stupid to trust them in the first place?

I hate myself sometimes.  How could I let this happen and how can I fix it?  Maybe this is my punishment for not being the person Heavenly Father expects me to be.  I don’t know… but I wish it would end.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been having a difficult time in counseling.  It’s difficult.  I feel as if my spirit has become hard like a rock; it’s heavy right inside my chest.  It hurts.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

October 9, 2000

I got a cat and a turtle last week.  The turtle I got on the 3^rd and Daisy Mae came to me the next day!  I love them both to death; they are both so cute!

This last weekend was General Conference weekend.  I had some neat experiences; would you like me to share them with you?  I went to the 1^st session at the new conference center.  Lidia was supposed to go with me but she slept in so I went alone. 

On the way, there was a mentally disabled woman who boarded the same train as me.  She was really scared and she kept saying so over and over, then she would scream.  I felt so sorry for her.  I patted her on the shoulder and told her she was doing great and that she was safe.  She started to sing “Love at Home” and it touched me.  I sang with her, on the crowded train, and she thanked me and told me that was her favorite song.

When I arrived at temple square, the line to get into the conference center was huge!  It wrapped around the gate twice and went all through the temple grounds then up to the center.  There were so many people ready to hear our prophet speak.  I heard so many different languages; the people were from everywhere. 

The building was beautiful and conference was great… but the ride home was even better!  I got to speak to someone about my father’s age and bare my testimony to him.  He was really struggling with the gospel and it was a really neat experience for me.  I would like to have it happen more often.

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 3-29, 2000

I am so angry at my grandfather, Rico and every other sicko in this world!  They've destroyed me!  I have suffered so much!

I have been in lots of pain these last few months again; so much that I had to quit my new job and get on depression pills.  I had to start counseling again… embarrassing.

While everyone else my age is starting the best year of school as seniors and living their dreams, I get to talk to psychiatrists.  Fun.  I hate life.

My friend, John, just left on his mission.  He got called to the Mexico City South Mission.  Jacob is leaving in about December.  I’m going to miss him.  He is a sweetheart.  He is scared to go but I think it’s best… also in the way that I wont be tempted to be immoral.

It’s embarrassing to admit that I have been kissing him way too much and… the other day, I touched his penis.  I immediately apologized but I feel so dirty now.  I believe that I am turning my feelings and my anger in the wrong direction.  I feel evil; like I disappointed God.

I am so sorry for what I did and I will never do anything immoral again.

I had to go to my grandfather’s first hearing and I testified there.  Plus, I had to do the whole talk to the detectives and then to the social workers thing again because of Rico.  I think these are some of the reasons for me acting this way.  This is not me!

Well, I’ve learned my lesson and it’s not worth caring the guilt with me through the eternities.

Melonie

(Age 17)

September 29, 2000

Kristi,

Hey.  Guess what!  I finally got Kyle’s new address.  (I mean after he left the MTC)  It took me long enough.  I was so scared to call and I had to 3 times before I finally got his dad.  He gave it to me and I sent Kyle a birthday card today.

I’m learning to play the guitar.  Jacob let me barrow his.  I talked to the bishop about what happened between us and I feel much better.  It was hard.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 6, 2000

Kristi,

I know that even at those times when I feel that there is nothing I can do about the way my life is going, there are still some things that only I can control.  I am in control of my feelings, my attitude, my beliefs and my behavior, my time, my choices, the things I will value, my desires, my thoughts, my talents, the goals I set for myself… and the love that I give and the kind of love I will receive.  I can control all of these things no matter what happens or who is around me.  If I take that control and set boundaries for others; I will be happy! 

Mel

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 11, 2000

Kristi,

Some of the most important things you can learn from this life are:

1.      That Jesus is our savior and that he lives and loves us.

2.      To humble ourselves before Him.  To realize that we are not perfect and we need his help in everything that we do.

3.      To ask in faith- drawing upon the powers of heaven, do our part, then leave the rest to the Lord.

4.      Everyone has and will sin so we need to understand the repentance process and the atonement and use it all the time.  Do your best then hang on to the end.

July 16, 2000

There are a few things that are really important to me…  That I return to my Father in Heaven with honor, that I marry the right guy at the right time and in the right place, and my family and friends.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 1, 2000

I don’t know why but I just haven’t been up to writing lately.  I just haven’t wanted to.  Lots has happened since you’ve last heard; it’s amazing what can happen in a couple months!

I got a job at Lagoon (April 17) working the kid rides.  I learned how to work a couple of them and then decided that the 3 hour bus ride was way too long and quit.  Then I fond a real job at National Car Rental making $7.55 plus bonuses!  I’ve been there a month now and I’m on my last week of training.

On May 13^th was Sadie Hawkins.  I went with Jacob.  Zach went with my friend Dawn; his first official date!  It was lots of fun.  We went hiking up to Doughnut Falls and had a picnic.  Jacob was such a gentleman.  I had lots of fun with him; he’s a great guy. He’s the only one who listens to me and cares about how I feel.  He seems to understand these crazy feelings and we get into long talks once in awhile.  They really help.  I feel comfortable with him.

Jacob asked me to marry him.  I said a soft “yes” through my pain and tears but I didn’t mean to promise him anything because I am only 17.  I was seriously considering it and was praying about it for a couple of months and I don’t think it’s the right decision.  He and I have a lot to work through.  Plus, I don’t know if I told you or not but he has a heart condition and apparently his Patriarchal blessing says that he will die on his mission.  I’m really scared that this might happen soon.  Not as scared as he is, though; I feel awful for him!

I want to marry someone who is strong in the church.  Jacob used to be a bad kid.  He used to drink, do drugs and steal cars.  I know that he is really sorry and doesn’t do those things anymore… 

A friend just got married on the 25^th of May… before her graduation!  Weird huh?  I’ve been really thinking about marriage lately.  I am almost 18 already.  It could happen really soon… but then again, I could have another 7 years to go!  I wonder who I’m going to marry and when I’m going to meet him; if I haven’t already.  I want to marry someone special, who is spiritually strong with a lot of good qualities.  I’m trying to prepare myself now so that I’m worthy of the best guy possible.

I’m worried I won’t be ready.  It’s getting harder and harder to keep going.  I feel really stressed and like I can’t even handle simple things anymore.  My whole body aches and I’ve been crying a lot again.  I wish I knew what is wrong and how to fix it.  I’m also scared that I won’t be ready for the pageant in a month.

I’m worried about my family and I’m really worried about me.  I’m having a hard time feeling the Holy Ghost and I haven’t been making great choices.  I’ve been unkind to my family and I haven’t been saying my prayers as often because it seems like no one is there anymore.  I haven’t been reading my scriptures either and Jacob and I have kissed too much a couple of times.  We haven’t done anything bad but I’m afraid of something happening.  I feel very lonely sometimes… I think that’s why I like to be close to him.

Well, I’m going to go.  I will talk to you later.

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 10, 2000

Hey.  Yeah, I know, it’s been awhile.  Listen, I have a confession to make; I love someone.  Not in the way that you are thinking, I pretty sure.  It feels different than what you’d expect.  I love Jacob.  He means so much to me.  We have been dating for a long time now.  Well, longer than I’ve dated anyone else.  We went to prom together.  It was great; I had a wonderful time.  He is such a sweet guy and he cares a lot about me.  He is like a best friend but I don’t know if I could ever marry him.

Confused.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

March 19, 2000

Kristi,

I have to admit that I hate writing in here.  It is not easy for me to put my feelings on paper.  When I go back and read what I wrote, I feel like such a ditz.  Anyway, that’s why I hardly write.

Do you remember me mentioning Jacob?  Yeah, the one that works with me.  We’ve been doing a lot together lately; he’s a pretty fun guy.  Last Friday, I went to his ward St. Patrick’s Day party.  We had fun.

We’ve had some pretty crazy times together too; like when we barrowed his dad’s truck to go “mudding”.  We got stuck; and I mean STUCK!  The mud was nearly above the wheels!  We ended up having to walk to the nearest neighbor’s house to call his dad.  Jacob and his dad ended up spending the night digging it out until a tow truck could get it out; then Jacob had to spend the next day cleaning the truck spotless!

My parents don’t really like Jacob a lot.  I guess they aren’t exactly thrilled about any of my dates but they’ve never before come out and said they didn’t like them.  He’s a good kid… I think anyway.

Love, Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 22, 2000

Aghh; so much to accomplish yet so little time to accomplish them in.  Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that nothing gets done?  I do!

I’m excited for these next few years; I’m going to get better and get on with my life!  I wish girls could go on their missions earlier.  I would love to just get away right now to a new place where no one knows me and just loose myself in service with only the Lord beside me.  Don’t you think that could turn your life around?  That is kind of how I felt at Oakcrest; I wish I took better advantage of it.

My mother is such a great example to me.  These past few months (maybe years) I have seen so many changes in her.  She has such strong faith that she’s come to the point of being able to think something and it will happen!  My goal is to become like her.  One day, I hope I will receive my call for the second endowment.

Kix

(Age 17)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 20, 2000

Now is definitely my time for trial.  “…And if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”  (D&C 121:7)   I love that scripture.  It helps me to remember that there is a reason for all of this; that I am not going through hell for no reason.  Job and Joseph of Egypt are some of my favorite bible heroes.  I love their stories!  I hope I triumph as well as they did.

My Dreams

Senior class President                                                        Be like Sheri Dew

Own a girls camp                                                               Cheerleader

Oakcrest counselor                                                            Meet JTT  (ha, ha)

Marry Kyle                                                                        Prom Queen

Married in the temple                                                        Be an artist/painter/sculptor

6 kids                                                                                 Go on a mission

Fix my hips                                                                        Master the piano

Find a great career                                                             Play the guitar

Ride an airplane and train                                                 Be very healthy

Go on a cruise                                                                   Be in a school play

Visit Hawaii, Spain, New Zealand, Italy…                      Seamstress

Inner peace                                                                        Speak Spanish

Win the Miss Teen USA Pagent                                      Learn sign language

Be Miss Utah, Miss USA                                                  Sky dive

Be on the front cover of a magazine                               Hot air balloon ride

Nice home with lots of land                                            Get those darn splits down

Have all the money I need                                               Seminary student council

Be in a Movie                                                                  Photographer

Be a great young women leader                                      Memorize every scripture mastery

Go to a great college                                                        Receive 2^nd endowment/R.W.H.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 17 & February 8, 2000

Hey Kristi,

What’s up?  I’m writing Kyle his second letter already; I’ve decided I’d better tell you about him.  I first saw him at our first girls’ volleyball game (as a spirit club).  He was so cute.  When the game was over, I saw him put his arm around the pretty girl from our club and I thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend.  “Figures.  The cute girls always get the best guys.”  Anyway, this time it turned out that they were brother and sister!

It also turns out that he’s a really, really nice guy!   …and good in school, senior class president, loves seminary, great smile!  One day at work, I was talking with a friend about life and boys… I told her of my plan to marry Kyle.  A boy, Jacob, who works with us, happened to be listening in… “Who are you going to marry?  I know him!  He’s awesome!  That’s so cool!”  He kept saying that over and over.  “I know that plan is going to work.  At least you’ll get a date with him!”

And that’s how it’s been ever since.  It’s kind of funny, I think…

February 8, 2000

Kristi, I am having the hardest time deciding what to do with my life.  My hips are still bothering me quite a bit.  I have been thinking about just getting my GED.  School is too stressful for me.

PS  I saw Tyler in the store where I work today.  Later I found out he’s not leaving on his mission until March!  How embarrassing.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 2, 2000

Happy New Year!  I am so excited; this next couple of years will be full of changes.  Look out world, here comes the new me!

I feel like I can move on now.  These last few years have been horrible.  I’ve felt like I wasn’t going anywhere with my life and there was nothing I could do about it.  Something had me trapped and held me so tight I couldn’t breathe…  Once in awhile I still get that way but I think Hypnotherapy has really helped. 

I’ve had some pretty neat sessions:  First, I learned about the mind (conscious and subconscious) and the spirit.  The second session was my first experience with hypnosis.  I learned what it was and how to achieve it.  Third, I went back into hypnosis; back in time to before my birth.  This was neat.  It was like reliving the experience through feelings (I didn’t “see” it).  I felt really excited to be born but once I was, it was really hard for me. 

When I was born I guess I swallowed my stool and had the cord wrapped around my neck.  They had to pump my lungs and put me in the NICU.  They took me from my parents and I was really, really scared.  Through hypnosis, I felt a connection and great love and sadness for that baby.

In another session, my grandfather was brought up.  I remember I couldn’t talk; or I felt so deep in hypnosis that I felt I didn’t want to.  When I was brought back to the abuse I felt this huge sadness in me.  I couldn’t stop crying and the doctor wanted me to communicate it…  I saw myself a little girl, huddled in a corner of a dark room.  I felt scared and powerless. 

I was told to imagine myself with superpowers or something; to see myself bigger and stronger than he.  I saw my grandfather shrink and shrink.  He was embarrassed.  I picked him up and I put him in a cage.  At this point I couldn’t stop laughing!  The doctor asked me why; I didn’t know but it felt so good!  I felt like I was free; like I was experiencing my true nature!

Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 18, 1999

My mom hates me when I say things she disagrees with or just doesn’t understand.  Does that make sense?  She always tells me she wants me to tell her how I feel but then she doesn’t even let me.  I guess I can’t tell her anything!  That’s my mom; never really listening.

Sorry about that last entry.  It sounded like I was high on something, didn’t it?  You’re probably wondering when I decided to marry Kyle.  To you it probably seems pretty sudden when, in actuality, I’ve been all but obsessing over him since the beginning of last year.  “Why haven’t I heard of him?” you ask…  Well, you see, this might sound ridiculous but I think I was afraid to mention that I liked him.  It wouldn’t work out then. 

I hope he is the one I will marry because he’s pretty neat but, if not, I will definitely marry someone like him!  I will tell you more about him later.  I’m not feeling so hot now.  My mom makes me feel so awful.  I’ll have lots to tell you next time.

Sincerely, Melonie

(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 7 & 10, 1999

Have you ever needed to talk to someone but no one would listen?  Maybe they listen, but they don’t really listen?  Maybe they don’t understand the deeper meaning or what you are really feeling; the things you can’t really say?

Some things have been bothering me still; about my past.  I’m I a bad person? Does God still love me?  Is he proud of me still?  I know I could’ve prevented most everything from happening.  Why didn’t I?  I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

December 10, 1999

I’ve got this great plan to marry Kyle in a few years!  We’d be perfect together!

See… he’s going on a mission and I will write him when he is gone.  Soon, he will start replying to my letters and the other girls will stop writing…  He will get curious and invite me to his homecoming… and things will go upward from there!  Perfect!

Kyle is so awesome!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 2, 1999

Can you believe it?  One more month and it’s the year 2000!  Cool huh?

I am getting braces.  I have to pay for them myself with no insurance.  $3,650… ouch!  Double ouchJ!  I only have spacers in right now (got them yesterday) and they hurt like crazy!

I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance a while ago (I don’t think I told you yet) and no I did not have fun!  I tried really hard but he is such a flop!  He got us lost all night because he wouldn’t listen to us… that was after he showed up 2 hours late in the first place!!!  (Actually, we had to go find him and the stupid truck broke down in the process!)  We didn’t even get to eat dinner.  I was starved by the end of the night!

Then, I had to pay $15 to get into the dance just to stand in line to spend another $20 getting pictures I didn’t even want!  He was missing most the night then he actually tried to leave me to find a ride home with somebody else!

My aunt and uncle have been coming over a lot.  I’m excited because I think they have stopped doing drugs and are following our example.  Soon they’ll come back to church, I hope!

It has almost been a year but Noel is still on my mind.  I am worried about her.  She and Erick have been getting too close.  They have been sloughing classes together; Noels grades are dropping.  She also pierced her ear way at the top.  They have been ignoring me and spreading awful rumors about me (well, at least Erik has).  I don’t know what she sees in him.  Every time I see him I dislike him more.  He makes me sick!

Kix

P.S. My mom let me drive her van to work all by myself today!  Wow!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 20-22, 1999

I have learned so much in the past few weeks, Kristi; mostly as a result of my sessions with the hypnotherapist.  He knows so much about God’s plan and about our bodies and spirits.  Did you know that even some of the simplest things we say can program our subconscious minds to negatively influence our lives?

God has given us such a great gift: our bodies.  With them comes great power.  Our goal on this Earth is to learn to use that power wisely by uniting our body, mind and spirit through God’s help.  Once I obtain inner peace (or oneness) and obey God, I can have anything I desire that is righteous.  I am so excited.  Now that I understand a little more clearly I can really start my life!

Love, Melonie

(Age 16)

November 22, 1999

My parents are in Wyoming.  My dad is working out of state again.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I feel angry, hurt, and scared.  Yesterday I practically beat up my sister when she was mean to us again.  I never do that!  I feel like scum.  My sister hits us, kicks us, swears at us… all the time.  That’s how she is.  I don’t know why I snapped.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 19, 1999

My 5 Year Plan:

In 5 years I will…

      Be about 22 years old

      Be graduated from Rick’s College

      Be married (to Kyle J) and starting a family

      Have done some modeling

      Have been Miss Teen USA/ Miss Utah?

      Have improved a lot

      Have a comfortable home

      Have been a counselor at Oakcrest

      Speak Spanish

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 28- October 15, 1999

Kristi,

I’ve decided to start home school now.  I started yesterday and, already, I have so much less stress and hopefully tomorrow I will have even less!  It feels great! 

I am going to see the hypnotherapist.  I am kind of scared but really excited.  It is going to cost $110 and I have to pay for it so I hope it works!

Saturday is homecoming.  No one asked me so I asked Jon (a fellow homeschooler J)  He is in my ward; I think I will have fun with him.  Since I asked him, I have to expect to pay and come up with a plan!

October 15, 1999

I love doing service.  It makes me feel so good inside.  I love seeing peoples’ faces light up with joy when I help them out.  Lately we, as a ward, have been working on someone’s house and yard.  I’ve never thought much about this woman but I’ve come to love her through our visits to her home.  I’ve had a great time.

Love, Melonie

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

September 19, 1999

Wow, I’ve got a lot to tell you…
Aug. 26^th-28^th the Young Men/Young Women went rafting on the Green River.  It was lots of fun (even though we had to avoid the rapids).  The water was freezing!  My hips started hurting really bad and one of the boys had to carry me back to camp.  It was so embarrassing! 

The 30^th was the first day of school.  I’ve had gobs of homework since then!  It’s putting way too much stress on me and I can’t handle that right now so I decided to go on home study.  This week will probably be my last.

My cousin came up and we went to the football game and saw Kyle (what a hunk! J)  (I’m going to marry him… or at least someone like him!)  Then we went camping on our property in Duchesne.  There, we painted the shed, went swimming and late-night craw-dad fishing in the lake, played in the river and took mud baths!  I had lots of fun.  My cousin and I got closer as friends. 

On Monday was our family reunion.  Dad, Zach, my uncle and cousin all went to the Demolition Derby and the last night the boys found a scorpion in their tent! 

Then, last night was the seminary Opening Social.  It was fun.  We cleaned up our school as a service project then had a concert by Greg Simpson!  Jake kissed me again; this time with his tongue.  It made me feel so awful.  Why did I let him do it?  I kind of liked him but I didn’t want to kiss him.  I felt trapped, like he wouldn’t let me go back inside until he kissed me.  Why did I go outside with him in the first place?  A part of me knew what he wanted…  I cried the rest of the night.

Noel is such a great friend.  She made me feel lots better.  I wish I were as good as her.  I hope we’re always friends.

On the 29^th of this month I am going to go see a hypnotherapist.  He is supposed to help a lot.  I can’t wait to go.  What if he can make my pain go away?  Then I can be normal again.
Melonie
(Age 16)    

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 3 & 5, 1999

Dear Kristi, I can’t understand how my mother can act like that.

She has had a hard time all these years going through her healing process.  I’ve done a lot to take care of her and the family while she was sick.  I’ve cleaned the house, made dinner, got the kids ready for school, made dad’s lunches; I was there for my mother WHENEVER she needed me.  She whined and cried a whole bunch and now that I am going through the same thing I’m not allowed to be sad once in a while?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL!  She just went through the same things so why is she pushing me away now?  She says she wants “nothing to do with me” when I’m feeling depressed, sad.  Why can’t I have a friend?  Why is it so wrong for anyone to love me?

Lately, I haven’t been able to do anything right for anyone.  I wish these feelings would go away.  I want to die.  No one would care if I did.

August 5, 1999

I am reading this book called Brittany by Jack Weyland.  I’ve read it before but this time…

It’s about a girl who gets raped.  The feelings and circumstances that the author wrote about reminded me so much of my life.  She, the main character, reminded me of me!  In the beginning, she was such a good girl and a special girl, with so many ambitions.  Heavenly Father was her best friend.

I was like that.  Now something dark inside me is holding me back.  A lot of what I’d accomplished is gone now.  I feel so evil sometimes; why does God even listen to me anymore?  I’ve betrayed Him so many times.

Ever since I started reading this book, I’ve had a hard time concentrating on things.  As I read it, I get these sharp pains through my body.  I think there is something inside me that still needs to come out.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 30, 1999

I don’t know what to do!  I heard my mother tell my grandma, “Everyone else is doing quite well now.  We just need to get Melonie through her issues and we’ll be just fine.”  I guess I do still have some “issues” to work on but am I really that bad?  I get so lonely and feel so worthless and unloved sometimes!  It hurts!  I constantly wish for someone to hold me and for someone to be my friend.  I need a friend I can talk to about anything; one who will always be there for me.  “That kind of friend that is only found in a good marriage”, mom once told me.  Well, I can’t wait to be married then!  That sounds so wonderful.
I am doing better (I thought so anyway!)  I couldn’t have done it without my parents and some of my friends from camp.  At the rate I’m going, I think I really can become Miss Teen All American!  Do you want to hear something weird?  Amazing?  Ever since I’ve found this add (in March 1998) I have been enthusiastic to be in it.  One month later, I was accepted into a modeling school and graduated in October.  In May, I tried out for Spirit Club and made it!  (I usually don’t “make” things)  This gave me more confidence. 

June, also last year, I was able to go to Oakcrest as a camper and get so much closer to the Lord.  (15 year olds aren’t usually welcome)  July, I entered into the Miss Hawaiian Tropic and got 2^nd alternate and, in August, I went to court and put my grandfather in jail.  I even went on the news!  That also gave me a lot of strength and courage.  I can stand up for me and my beliefs now.  The great people you hear about probably got to being the people they are via hard experiences like mine I’ll bet.

Last January I was finished with counseling; I learned more about myself.  I also started dating.  Then, I got my job at Oakcrest.  I learned at Oakcrest that I need to learn to be my own best friend and to not try and please everyone else all the time.  I also got closer to the Lord up there.

I’ve been working so hard on healing; I’ve been reading lots… I am planning to be in the pageant in August 2001.  That’s exactly 3 years and 7 months since this all began.  (My mom says that 3 years and 7 months seems to be the amount of time needed to accomplish a big goal.)  I am so excited.  I believe that if I keep going I can be crowned Miss Teen USA!  Heavenly Father has already helped me so much.
Melonie
(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

July 11, 1999

Hey.  I’m back.  You know, I think I’m going to be doing a lot of writing to you these next few months.  I’m in lots of pain.  So bad it’s hard to breath.  My mom says it’s stress building up because of all I’ve been through.  I’m glad.  That means it will be gone soon and I can be normal again.  Everything will be gone; the eating and sleeping problems, the deep sorrow, the headaches, the pain… everything!
I’m feeling really sad and lonely right now.  I miss Oakcrest.  Not one of my friends called me this weekend like they said they would.  Maybe they didn’t really care about me.  Actually, I was probably quite annoying.  I probably complained a lot of pain.  Oh well.  I’ve learned a valuable lesson from the people there and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I am sure that some of the things that were said in testimony meetings and devotionals were meant just for me. 

I am going through depression right now and that’s a hard thing to go through but someday I will be rid of it.  Someday I will wake up and it will be gone.  I will be a new person with new abilities and strengths.  This can be overcome!  I have noticed that I am more aware of other people and their trials.  I’m not the only one in depression.  I’ve learned that even though some people seem like they have perfect lives, many of them are hurting inside and the best way to help you is to forget yourself and help them.  God is aware of our pain and He will take care of us.  I’m learning to trust in Him a lot more; to ask Him for help before I try and do it on my own.  Jesus has been my best friend for a long time.  He has always been there for me.  He understands me.  He knows what I need and will take care of me if I ask.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

June 7 and July 8, 1999

Hi Kristi!  Today is the first day of camp with the girls here.  It was quite a chore to wash the dishes for 400 people!  They stacked up so fast!  It has been hard for me to keep up with everyone else.  I feel bad; like I’m worthless to the staff.  However, I know this is where I need to be.  I feel closer to the Lord here.  It has only been a week but I already feel like I’ve received messages that were meant just for me.  These experiences are so important to me; they’ve made me feel so much better.  You know, I’ve been thinking… I prayed for some spiritual experiences to build my testimony and to help me accomplish my goals.  Maybe Oakcrest is an answer to my prayers!  It has only been 6 days here… I wonder what the rest of

the summer has in store for me!

July 8, 1999

I’ve been at Oakcrest for a month now.  I’ve felt the spirit close again; I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve made friends, I’ve learned… and now I’m home.  I guess I’ve done what I need to do there (for now).  I miss it so incredibly much!  Sure, I’ve had some really hard times there but it made me happy.  It has been 2 years since that 1^st kiss with Rico that started everything…  So many things have happened since then.  It has been so hard for me.  At Oakcrest, my physical pain just got worse and worse and, emotionally, I just got to the point where I was crying all the time so I prayed about it and decided to come home.  Now I wish I were back.  I had some great friends there.  I will never forget them.  One gave me a special frog that reminds me that some days I might feel like a frog but, someday, I will turn into a beautiful princess.  That someday is beginning today! I am getting better!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 25 and June 2, 1999

Kristi,

Hey!  How are you?  My friends and I went to Lagoon last Friday.  It was lots of fun!  3 of us went on the Sky Coaster.  That was the best!  It was pretty scary, though; just like sky diving from 150 feet in the air!  Wow, I loved it!  The falling feeling was great!  I got to pull the cord that dropped us!

 I leave for Oakcrest on Sunday… I told you I got a job there, right?  I’m so excited!  This will be tons of fun.  I hope God will help me while I’m there so that I can overcome my problems and be happy.  I hope I will bring myself closer to Him and make my testimony stronger.

June 2, 1999

 Well, here I am at Oakcrest.  I miss my parents already.  I don’t have anyone to talk to about my feelings.  I can’t wait for this pain to go away so I can be normal.  I feel like I’m not worth very much up here.  I really am doing my best but no one seems to think so.  It has been a hard week.  I hope it gets a little better because I love Oakcrest.  In fact, someday, I want to own a camp just like it.  I guess I’m just not ready after what happened.  I feel like my relationship with God has gotten weaker.  I don’t like the feeling of being so far from him.  That’s what I hope to gain back here… my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

May 17, 1999

Kristi,
Being abused has put me through a lot.  It’s kind of like a major emotional rollercoaster ride but, unfortunately, the “rollercoaster” doesn’t have anymore major emotional highs.  Instead it goes lower then it ever had before.  I guess it had to happen.  I felt so happy before…  My only problems were my annoying little sister and the stress of getting good grades in school.  No one’s life can be perfect, I guess.  Now I am so sad and sometimes there seems to be no reason for this deep sorrow. 

I feel very alone.  I know that I’m not but it seems like I’m the only one going through such pain.  No one can really help me.  I have to get better on my own.  My mother, who was my best friend, has pulled away from me.  She says it’s because it hurts her to remember what she has been through.  She has left me when I needed her most.  I FEEL SO ALONE!  You’re still with me, aren’t you Heavenly Father?  Don’t give up on me yet.  I love you!
Love, Melonie
(age16)


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 30 & May 6, 1999

Hey!  What’s up?  I’m doing okay.  My family and I are at Yellowstone National Park.  It’s great here.  There are so many beautiful things to see.  It’s sad, though, that I can’t stand to be around my family anymore!  I know that I am probably hard to live with too.  I’ve been kinda angry.  Poor Dad.  He’s trying so hard to bring this family together and no one wants to corporate.  He’s so great.  I Love him so much.  He is the greatest Dad anyone can have, I’m sure.

May 6, 1999
My life is so pathetic.  It seems like a total waste of time.  Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?  I feel like I’ve lost myself.  This year has been a complete loss.  What have I accomplished?  I have been set back more then I’ve moved forward!

My biggest dream is to one day get married to a wonderful guy and have a family.  Next to that dream there are two others.  Being Miss America (don’t ask) and owning an LDS girls camp like Oakcrest.  (I got a job there this summer.  I am so excited!  I’ll be a cook!)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 15, 1999

GUYS ARE JERKS! If you’re a desperate-for-love teenage girl, like me, always remember that IT ISN’T WORTH IT!  Your turn will come when it is time for you to marry.  Be Patient.

 I hope that my journal will someday help someone who has similar trials.  It really helps to know that you’re not the only one who has gone through this…  Listen to your elders and learn from their mistakes and your life will be that much easier.  That’s something I wish I’d done more of.

 Lessons from my life:

1. Learn from your elders.
2. You don’t need a relationship with a guy until later.  God loves you and will take that lonely feeling away if you ask.
3. Talk to your Heavenly Father about everything!  He loves you and will be your best friend if you let Him!
4. Don’t be afraid to ask God for help.
5. Learn from every person you meet; that’s why they’re in your life!  Think about what kind of person you could be if you found a good quality in every person you meet and emulate it!
6. Trials/problems are put in our lives for good.  Don’t let them bring you down.  Learn… and become stronger!
7. Don’t forget that what you see isn’t real.  The Earth is our classroom, the Holy Ghost our teacher.  We are children of God on a mission.  We are only here for a short while.  Don’t waste time.
8. Don’t waste your life with the excuse that you are “too shy”.

These are the most important lessons I’ve learned.  I’m sure there’s more…  I hope you remember these!  There is this speech that comes on the radio that I really like.  It’s full of good advice.  I’m going to write it down….

(Speech read by Laz Buhrmann for the class of ’97 & ’99.  “Wear Sunscreen”)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 12, 1999

I am so stupid!  Erik is a JERK!  …and so is every other guy!  I learned my lesson; why didn’t I listen to my parents and leaders?  That would’ve saved me from a lot of pain.  I will NOT have another steady relationship until it is time for me to marry!  I feel awful about who I am and what I was doing.  Even though nothing happened, I knew inside that having a boyfriend wasn’t right for me.

 I believe what I did with Erik (and I’m prone to do with every other crush) is that I put the characteristics of the man I want to marry into him, then, I met the real Erik… and that hurt!  I’ve never cried so long in my life.  (Which is stupid because I really didn’t love Erik, I love the guy I’ve been dreaming up for all these years…)

 I haven’t really lost the one I love.  I’ll have to just keep him in my heart until we meet in real life.  I just really want someone to love me.  The “rule” about not having a boyfriend in high school isn’t just to protect us from sexual/physical abuse or sin; it can also protect you from a broken heart!

Love, Melonie

(Age 16)

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

April 5, 1999

Kristi,
Hey, how are you? I’m okay. I just got over (well, okay, I’m not over it yet…) one of my soap opera love tragedies. I know this journal is all about guy trouble (sexual abuse and puppy love) Sorry, here it goes:

Erik and I went on a few more dates. On the 2nd date, we kissed. It was his first kiss. Mine too… in a way. (Everyone else who has kissed me didn’t really care about me.) The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. I couldn’t find anything wrong with him! We were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 2 weeks when he freaked out.

We weren’t doing anything wrong; I was dating other guys… I think he either got jealous or someone has been telling him stories. Well, now that he is not talking to me and avoiding me in the halls… I realize more than ever how much I care about him.

Do you want to know something weird? Everything about him is just like how I imagined my future husband to be. Every night, I’ve been going through my list to find any stupid reason for me not to like him anymore but the very next day that reason no longer exists! (For example: I picked “S.B.O. or leader”… he wasn’t in any leadership positions but the next day he said he was going to “run for S.B.O. president or something”!) Crazy, huh? You can’t meet the guy you’re going to marry at age 16… right? I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to marry him if he won’t even talk to me!

I miss him so much...

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

March 7, 1999

Guess what… I just had a hot date with Erik! That makes it 6 dates total that I’ve been on. Erik is the first one that I’ve really “liked”. I haven’t told you about him yet? Okay, no problem…

I met him only 2 months ago (maybe only 1…) Anyway, he was in the group I went with to the “Harry Hawkins” dance. I didn’t like him then. Yeah, he was cute but I didn’t get this major crush on him until… (I know what you’re thinking, “Not again!” Believe me; I’m sick of it myself. I don’t need this!) I think I started “liking” him at the basketball games.

He’s in the band and I’m on the Spirit Club. He sat by himself; looking so bored at the half-times I started talking to him. He was so sweet and I love the sparkle in his eyes! Anyway, Mark (poor guy) knows me so well that he could tell I like Erik. He told him so and found out that Erik likes me too! Erik got my number from Mark and called me! Aaahhhhh! Wait, wait… it gets better. He asked me out on a date after we talked on the phone for 45 minutes! I LOVE BEING SIXTEEN!

Our date went like this: He picked me up at my house and met my family, we went to go get his sister, had dinner at Applebee’s then went across the street to see the movie “A Blast From the Past”. He held my hand and put his arm around me twice!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

February 26, 1999

Is it wrong to have a boyfriend? I know lots of Mormons my age have boyfriends… but are they okay? I know that it is probably safer to date more than one, but what if you’ve already been in bad situations with guys and you’ve handled them quite well?

What if you know the guy would never go that far with you? I should probably have fun dating many guys but if I don’t feel comfortable with most of them, shouldn’t I stick with one I do? I want someone I can talk to and trust, someone who will always be my friend. But, that’s another problem with boyfriends; sooner or later you’ll break up. What if he breaks up with me when I need him the very most? Right now I just want someone to talk to who cares about me and will hold me all the time.

What if I have a boy friend but not really a real boyfriend… do you know what I mean? I would hold his hand, give him hugs and a kiss once in a while (French kissing would be the absolute worst I would do) but you still, both of you agreeably, go out with other people? Would it still be wrong? Would any guy ever even agree to that? Why can’t I find the man I’m going to marry now? I love him already and I don’t even know his name!

*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 11, 1999

Kristi,
I don’t really feel like writing; so I am. I don’t feel like talking to anyone; so I’m talking to you. I don’t feel like reading my scriptures or praying; so I will. Yesterday was my birthday but I’m not happy. My friends from church threw me a surprise party and, today, my mom and her friend took me to see “Ever After” and to eat at the Olive Garden. I got all I could’ve wanted but something is missing… a part of me is missing and I don’t feel whole. I guess I have a good life. I’ve been blessed… So what’s wrong with me? I just feel like crying all the time. I’ve felt like I have the flu for 2 months now. I have ulcers, bad headaches and all my joints are so swollen that sometimes I can’t even leave my bed in the mornings. I don’t feel like doing anything. Jesus, please help me… I love you.
Melonie
(Age 16)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

January 3, 1999

Hey Kristi-Kristi-Beau-Bisty-Banana-Nana-Foe-Fisty…
I’m up to page 100! Now, my goal is to reach page 120 before I turn 16, okay? Yeah right!

Anyway, this is a pretty stupid journal. I’m embarrassed to let anyone read it. My great, great grandchildren will probably read it and think, “So, that’s where we get our mental disorders from!” ( Not that they’ll have any, of coarse!) That would be cool… No, not that everyone in the future thinks I’m retarded… It’ would be cool to read your great, great grandma’s journal; to see what kind of life they had and if they were at all like me.

Whoever reads this journal is probably going to be disappointed that not even 1/4th of my life is in here. I get sick of writing because I write so slow I can’t keep up with my thoughts! I’m going to start writing more anyway; it’s my New Year’s resolution! I am going to put topics to write about in a jar so I can choose something every time I write.

Tomorrow is the first day back to school after Christmas break. It went by so fast! I needed the rest though. I’ve been through so much; first my grandpa, then Rico, then my grandpa again… then my own brother. Yes, my brother has been sticking mirrors under the bathroom door while I shower and watching me change through the sheetrock in my unfinished bedroom. It sounds like he masturbates while he does it. Sick huh?

On top of all that, I have the normal stresses of teenage life... I’m not doing so well. I have been in tons of pain all the time, I keep getting sick, I have bad headaches, I can’t sleep, I often feel unsafe and have to be with my mom.

I do think I’m getting better though. Mom says I’m finally letting out all my stress now that the abuse is over and taken care of. Every night, I imagine myself with my future husband so I can sleep. He comes to me and I tell him how I feel and I cry on his shoulder for awhile. He loves me very, very much; more than anything. He holds me and sings to me in my ear… I know this sounds really dumb. I can’t wait until I find him though. I already love him and I’ve never seen his face.
Love, Melonie



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

December 14, 1998

Didn’t I tell you about Sadie’s? I’m sorry; I feel like I’ve probably missed a lot of things throughout my life. I try to get it all but I really don’t like to write. Sorry!

Anyway, Sadie’s was awesome. It was my first real date! I know, I’m not 16 yet… Mom says that I can go to my high school dances because “there are only so many of them”. It was fun! My group came to pick me up and my date came to the door with a stuffed reindeer. Then, we went to the HardRock Café. (I’d never been there before; it was neat.) After that, we went to the dance and got pictures. They were expensive! The whole date was, actually. It cost me $53! (Sadie’s is a girl’s choice, girls treat dance.)

We danced for awhile, then, we went to the mall. We were going to see a movie but we didn’t… so we just sat and talked and left for the dance again. When the dance was over, we went home.

I was proud of myself for being a good example. I asked the group not to swear around me and I told them I didn’t want to see the rated R movie they wanted to see. My date was great. He said that if I didn’t want to see the movie then he would stay with me. Anyway, it was great.

Oh, yeah, guess what I fond out! My good friend, Karen’s, crush (more like obsession!) “likes” me. I feel so bad! She cried every night for 4 days (maybe more) and he’s all she thinks about. I heard her say, “She get’s all the guys, why can’t I just have Josh?” Sad huh? I feel awful. Today he asked me how I feel about him. He wants to “go out”. I don’t want to go steady with anyone; especially not Josh! I don’t want to hurt Karen. I said “no”. What else can I do?
Love, Melonie
(Age 15)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

November 22-December 1, 1998

Hey Kristi,
How are you? I’m sick today, so I’m staying home from church. I always feel awful all week when I don’t go. I like to go to church… or I like the way I feel when I’ve gone (if that makes any sense). I like the feeling I get when I go; so I go.

I don’t want to go sometimes because it is so boring. I know, I know… I’m going to have to fix that. It is getting better though. It’s just that I don’t really learn anything new anymore; it’s all just a big review. Maybe that’s why I like Seminary; I’m always learning something new!
I’m going to go, I love you!
Melonie

December 1, 1998

Hey you! …Yeah, you! What are you doing here?! Haven’t you read enough embarrassing things about me in here? …No? Well, keep reading! I’m sure there’s plenty more to come!

Guess what! …Oh, nothing much; just that I’ll be 16 in days now! I’ll get to date and drive (the 2 big “d”s)! I have my practice permit now; cool huh? But, the best reason for turning 16 is that I’m closer to 18. I can’t wait to go to college and get married someday.

It‘s also close to Christmas day. I’d better start shopping. I don’t know how I’m going to get enough money… I need a job! I’m supposed to be getting modeling jobs now that I’ve graduated from modeling school but I’m so scared! How does one get over being shy? I’ve got to do it fast!

Okay, I’m already sick of writing. (No offense, Kristi.)
Love, Melonie


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

October 16, 1998

Hey Kristi, I’m back! I’m really sorry I haven’t written you; I’m so behind! I’ve been busy… and I got myself into trouble. I feel really bad. I hate being a teenager.

My greatest goals are to return to my Heavenly Father and to be ready when Jesus comes again. Sometimes I think I forget those goals. I love my Heavenly Father. I hope that, in spite of some of my actions, he knows that.

I am so amazed and grateful for the unconditional love He has for me. Though I make mistakes, forget Him and break my covenants to Him, He is still there when I need Him and He continues to bless me.

I am so thankful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is my life, my direction, my guide, my support and my protection. I know for a fact that without it, the only part of me that I truly treasure would be lost forever. I know this is the true gospel and that, in it, we can find the plan of God. I know this with all of my heart. I just wish that everyone else were so privileged.

Tonight I am beginning a fast. I don’t know how long it will last but I know it’s what I need to do to be forgiven and to keep Satan far from me. I am going to win this spiritual war and return to God with honor.

I am so thankful for the temples, prophets and everything else that keeps us on the right path. We just heard a talk in General Conference (and twice in Seminary) about dating and how we should not date until we are 16. This is something I have a problem with. I have probably been on at least 3 group dates and I’m not 16 yet; and I already have a date for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Even though my mom told me its okay to go, I don’t feel right about it. I can’t tell him I don’t want to go know, can I? He seems to think we are “going out” now. I don’t even really “like” him. He’s just a friend.
I love you,
Melonie
(Age 15)



*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.

August 14, 1998

Hey Kristi,
What’s up? I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date again… A lot has been going on; I’ve had a busy summer. We just went to court. My grandpa is in prison now. He was sentenced to 1-15 years and he has to pay for the counseling and my doctor bill because of all the physical pain he’s caused me. This has really been stressful for us.

I’ve had nightmares of grandpa and thoughts about what he might do to me or my family because I told. I also have flashbacks (while I am awake) of what he did to me way back on January 26th. It has been hard at school. The cops came and pulled me out of choir class (the biggest possible class) to ask me some questions. I think there are some rumors going around now. I guess it doesn’t matter because at the courthouse, I was asked to speak for the huge news camera. I did it because I wanted to help other people. I told them about the nightmares and flashbacks… It was very embarrassing.

I sometimes feel like I could have stopped it earlier than I did. Grandpa has always made me feel uncomfortable. That day he made me feel really uncomfortable all day. First, he would tell me over and over that he liked my haircut because it made me look older. Then, he wanted to rub my legs because they were sore after running. He came up behind me and put his arms around me and his hands down my underwear.

Later, I went downstairs to watch the news for school and he started to pull out the hide-a-bed and strip down to his garments in front of me. He told me to go change into my pajamas and come lay by him. When I came back, he asked me if I were wearing a bra because “you shouldn’t sleep in your bra” and asked whether or not I usually “sleep with sweatpants under [my] night gown”.

After I came back from changing again, I got in the bed. I don’t know why I did it. I just remember feeling like a robot on autopilot. After a while, he asked me to rub his belly again. (He usually wanted us to “rub his belly clockwise to help him lose weight.) He wanted me to turn to the side so he could rub mine. While this was happening, I began to black out. Soon, it was as if I wasn’t even there.

The next thing I remember is my grandpa asking, “Is this okay?” I really had to concentrate to know what was happening. He was playing with my nipple. I told him “no” and he moved his hand back to my belly. He asked me how low he wanted me to go. I didn’t answer. He informed me that he liked it “all the way down”. “Have you every wondered what a real man looks like?” He pulled off the covers to reveal that his garments were down and his penis was sticking straight up in the air.

I was shocked. He then suggested that I “pull down the skin and watch the pink part pop out”. I don’t know why I did it but after that I got off the bed, ran to my room and climbed in my own bed. He followed me into my room and said he was sorry and that I’d better not tell. Just then I knew exactly what I had to do! He said he would turn off the T.V. for me. I said I would do it, got off my bed, walked right past him, turned it off, then I had to run up the stairs to my parents room because he chased me; grabbing at my feet.

I started shaking all over but was somehow able to tell my parents. They sat and stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, they went downstairs and mom kicked him out. Well, I’m going to go. I’ll tell you about court later.
Love, Melonie


*All names have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those involved.